Emotional

If I only had five more years or ten or even a month left
Who would I want to spend it with?
Will religion even matter?
Or all those other things we call barriers
Will all that matter not be "does he make me happy?"
The last week..esp yesterday has made me face my mortality
I'm living each day like its my last
No more regrets, fears, ..scared of rejection..whats that?
If he doesn't feel the same way I'd know I tried
Wasn't afraid to face my fears
Tell my friends I love them...
Hug my folks everyday...love them, appreciate them
Eat all the things I want
Take care of my self
Hang with old friends...they r precious
They knew me when I used to rock black and red bandanas, trainers, bounce..and thot I was cute
They loved me even then
Forget old grudges, what were we even fightin about?
Love with all my heart and damn the consequences!!!

Closure

Sometimes we shut the door
Sometimes we leave it ajar
Sometimes we slam it
I think I'm ready to remove the whole door and fill it with cement.
Cos even a shut door can be reopened, keys can b found
If desperate enough, the door can even be broken down
I'm ready to move houses, I don't even want to see the wall where the door used to be.
That door was fun in the summer though
It made everything bright and sunny, let all the light in,
and let out all the extra heat ;)
But now its cold,
Can't wait for spring
New house, new door, new light

Sleepless in Lasgidi

I haven't slept in a week

You really never know what you have until its gone
I miss sleep
I crave sleep
I will do just about anything right now to have a good nights sleep
Being awake when everyone's asleep is not fun
There are only so many movies to watch
Or books to  read
I've tweeted and facebooked
I have rehashed repressed memories
I have thought about weird things
Missed people I shouldn't
Called people I really shouldn't have
I'm glad I don't live alone
Cos I'm sure sure I'd have done things I shouldn't
There's only one person that gets it
But right now he's sleeping well
I'm jealous...
I've heard all the solutions..
Music, alcohol, drugs....
I've cooked @ 3am
Eaten eba @ 3:30
Done laundry in between all that
I'm worn out
Sleep where are you
I don't think I can survive another week

WAS

It was fun
It was short
It was free
It was "real"
It was me
It was her
It was hurt
It was friendship
It was need
It was a lot
It was nothing
It was you
It was..
Not is..

For colored girls...

I'm not ashamed 2 say I'm emotional
I cry when I'm sad
And when I'm happy

I watched For Colored Girls over the holidays and cried like a baby, this wasn't my first time watchin this movie.
I cried for the girl that trusted this cool guy she went on a few dates with and thot he was safe enough to invite home.
I cried for the girl that was so hurt by people she loved she hurt herself more everyday
I cried for that woman that kept on taking that no good man back cos she thot that was all she could get...low self esteem is a BITCH!!
Poor woman that lost her kids cos she thot love was enough to heal her man...sometimes you have to move on for you and let him heal himself!
And the character Janet Jackson played, had it all but was played by a man on the down low.
I cried cos I saw myself in a few of these women, cos I could easily have been others,
I cried cos I'm a hopeless romantic and I believe in the power of love.
I cried cos I realise that if its one-sided..its pain.
I cried cos I still want to believe but everyday something erodes my belief.

I'm emotional and I'm not ashamed to say it.
I cried all thru the holidays

Something like Beautiful

Something kinda beautiful..

Happy,smiling,sad,damaged,broken,lively, sweet,caring,carer,sister,lover,friend,chef,smart,beautiful,daughter,playful,weirdo,foodie, prayerful,life of the party,everybody,nobody,good,bad,freak,quiet,geek,listener,chatty, mad, animated,loner,shy,strange,loyal, daddys girl...Me :)

Random.Me

All I ask

To play in the rain..no worries
To sit in the dark without being scared
To sleep without nightmares
To stay home and not worry
To dance in a cool kitchen while cooking
To care for people I care about
To see smiles of appreciation
To receive hugs that express affection
To random hugs when I'm feeling down
To unexpected kisses
To lie awake watching him sleep
To sit in my undies on the floor and
Watch tv while eating eba with my fingers
To playfight just because
To pray for those I love
And worship with those I love
To talk with my dad
And gist with my mum
To sing out loud and dance when I'm alone
To hug my grandmum again - RIP
To stay awake with a good book
To talk all night with a good friend
To love and know its reciprocated

I will give anything...to have this everyday forever

Self destruct

Friendly and friendless
Laughing and sad
counsellor and confused
protector and unprotected
Life of the party

hair all brazilianed up
make up on point
Smile amazing, constantly laughing
Mind's a mess, heart's bleeding

Words swirling round my head- dangerous
Driving on the bridge 160km an hour
swerving in and out of traffic, music blasting
tears flowing, make up running
Wishing for something to take this pain away
hoping to hit something so it stops
Not today

Reached my destination, every one's waiting
adjust, every one's watching
Hair and make up fixed
Smile's amazing

Will try again on the drive home

A Thin line

Nothing ever stays perfect.
No matter how much you try.
What do you do when u can see everything crashing all around you.
My nightmares have become reality,
My sweat filled nights have come back to haunt me
I now see they were trying to tell me something

What to do?
Pray,pray,pray
Kick,fight, cry, scream?
Remember all the good times and pray its enough to overcome the bad?
And if not...accept that's life and
Love definitely hurts?

I wont run away this time though
We are worth much more than this, I tell myself
We can do anything as long as we're together
We had so many dreams, so many things 2 look 4ward to
Why couldn't everything just remain the way they were
Too many what ifs and why nots.
How do you forget what hurts so much?

forbidden!

What is it with guys and wanting what they cant have....

Sweetie I was single for so long u didn't even throw me a bone, now I'm in a relationship all I ever hear is "baby its you I want, you are so attractive, you are sexy"..N**** please do I look stupid. Trying to mess up my happy home. Even Mr No-Good from my previous posts aint trying to be left out...Dude i was chasing ur silly self for years just praying for you to show me a little love and I got nothing. Now you see me happy, you realise you love me. Wow. If I had known this was the solution I would have found a man years ago.. seems I have been dulling.

What is it with guys and wanting they cant have tho? I remember being in uni and spending many a vals day alone or having a pity party with my girlfriends cos well we were single and jand is the worst place for a babe to be naija and single...way too much competition!

Fast forward a few years and here am I beating them off with sticks...only problem is I don't want/need them. It seems like there's been an ad for every single guy that I've ever crushed on, kinda liked, thot was hot/not(for a few) all wanting something or the other. Why now tho...where were they when I almost turned Ann Summers into a grocery shop?

What makes forbidden fruit so desirable? Why am i hotter when i have a man?Why dont I have guys falling over themselves to love me when I'm available to love them back? I spoke to my friends and its the same story even worse for the engaged and married ones while my single friends are bitching that there are no men. Eyin guys kilode o? Can someone tell me wats up?

heartbroken!

Today: A great day of Hope,change and all great things, if all these positives cant rub off me 2day then Im in big trouble!

Been off this for a LOOOOOONG time...missed yáll, was reading...maybe not commenting much cos i had way 2 much on my plate, but this is a new beginning and as Uncle Barack ( yeah i know i have many cousins out there) quoted: Its time to put away childish things!

What do you do when you know you've met THE ONE...however the people that matter dont even wanna now??

Would u marry someone against ur parents wishes?
Would you try to make them chnage their minds?
Or would you just move on and find someone else??

Im so confused!

I love him ,he loves me....they say we r stupid, we are not thinking with our heads! We'd regret the decision later, they r saving us from a lifetime of misery!

That scares me cos i dont want to have anyone tell me those famous words "I told u so"

what do i do....follow my heart or follow my head?

Im confused people....HELP!!


P.S Happy new year!! ( yeah wateva its still january im not 2 late jare)

On a lighter note....that Jenifa movie is seriously affecting my English o....i almost said "Yels"to a client a few days ago!!



and lets see: As it IS a new year....resolutions abi( lets see how long before i break them)

This year i wanna have a better relationship with God ( God helping me cos i know i cant do it without HIS help o)

SAVE! SAVE! SAVE!! ( no more bags, shoes, anything...ok maybe gold seeing as they r an investment as mumc says)...pls my people dont bring me anything.....IM NOT BUYING...and i don tire for bridesmaid abeg!!!

Try talking less:: i tend to get carried away, not sure my sense of umor is understood by most people

Be good ; -) thats open to any interpretation i like!

Be more ME and not care about what other people think!

Give more...of my time, my money...to people who need it!

Think thats about it......please dont forget im waiting for advice!! xoxo

I LOVE YOU

i love you, i love youu i freaking love you!!!

those 3 little words that are supposed to mean the whole world! Except im not sure what to believe when i hear them anymore!

I mean is it possible to love me after knowing me for a week?? Do you think telling me that you do will make me drop my draws that much faster?? Cos on the contrary i think it makes me wary of you!!

Love is a decision but to decide that quickly...wow

Mixed Bag!

NYSC is over!!! YAY!!! so im officially done with nysc, im so proud of myself, really didnt think i could make it @ first but this year has made me so tough, i feel like supermans long lost sister!...God has been so great....this past month has just been one thing or the other, im officially an accountant!!( no more foolish exams, studying, nothing), got the job i have been wanting since forever and got a new car...its like im walking on water!


All this good fortune has made me think tho, as in why me, and why now. I have not exactly been the best person as per my religious life...well i had a period in my life when i tried and yeah the man upstairs and i were like buddies...we were getting there, we talked( well i talked, he listened...im sure), but the strange thing is that period was the HARDEST period in my entire life...everything was just not working, i was constantly depressed, it seemed like everyone around me was going places and i was stuck! Thank God that period is over, and im finally where i have always wanted to be, sad thing is i feel so far away from Him i dont even know how to say thanks! Why is everything happening now? Why not when i was always with him???


On another note, i heard a funny story on d radio a while ago...still find it hard 2 believe!!

So , this guy call a radio station:

Guy: well i proposed to my girlfriend of almost 2 years and she said no
Radio Dj: What! how come?
Guy: well she said she's already engaged to someone else
RD: and u say she was your girlfriend?
Guy:Yes, apparently she has been engaged to the guy for a couple of years but he has been in a UK prison for the last 2 years for DRUG related offences, he has 2 more years left on his sentence!

I just screamed...as in u have got to be kidding me!! Are people that crazy? why go out wit someone for a year and a half when u know u are not available in the long-term? And for a guy 2 wnna propose, im assuming the relationship was serious, so what was she thinking? And REALLY, she is engaged 2 someone IN JAIL, for DRUGS, who is gonna be there for the next 2 years?? WOW!! I dont even know how to classify it: LOVE or MADNESS!!


Driving in Lagos is Madness tho, no matter how much u love driving: after an encounter wit the okada people..ud be ready to kill someone i promise ( I know i am...im constantly screaming lik a mad woman...NOOOOOOOOOOO dont scratch my car..if only they could hear me)... And traffic! OMG u dont wanna know, it took me 3hours getting from work 2 my house yesterday and from the looks of things i had better get used to situations lik that!!

Anyway im out!! off to bed again, some elections happening today so no movement..thats fine wit me!! xoxo

Still here

hi....im still here....love blogville and not going anywhere soon...

Past month has been unbelievable....nysc is almost over and with that comes another rouund of madness called final clearance....thats when evryone leaves their suits, heels, poise, professionalism..everything and becomes as crazy as those CMS area boys!!

i had 2 endure over a week of pushing, pulling, bribing,sweating......just 2 get 2 pieces of paper stamped and signed....madness i tell u...and then after that do some other unnecessary things dictated by nysc or else u wont get ur certificate....im still so tired, at least by the end of next week id be done and have a lot more time on my hands to do as i please....

....so yeah im still here...just a break in transmission due to the annoying demands of nysc....and as i have been known 2 lament 2 any soul that cares 2 listen....after this annoying year...nysc CANNOT be scrapped, even if i have 2 petition the govt...why do i have 2 suffer alone????..SORRY ;-)

HYPOCRISY!!!

how many times can 1 person break ur heart before its enough?? Do people get a quota? How many is reasonable...1,2,5,10?? Its so funny that we always have all the answers when the story is about someone else....how can she be so stupid...ehn...God forbid, i cant take that from any guy and all that...yeah i know what we say cos i think im the most vocal when it comes to things like that...just realised im a BIG hypocrite...as in they should flog me in the streets type.

Back to this same "hot sturves" that i blogged about some months ago....he's been in and out of my life since then and as much as im ashamed 2 admit it...im almost falling into the whole cycle again....thank God for the distance cos i cant promise these knickers would have stayed on o!!! Anyway so he said we should give this relationship thing a try, he loves me,( he calls just to tell me he loves me) and i dont even know how to describe how i felt when i heard that cos honestly i'd kinda given up on the whole thing by now and finally gotten over him. He hurt me so so many times that i dont think i can count, and when i think about some of the mean things he did ,i realise that he really couldnt have cared about me and he probably still doesnt. He keeps on telling me to come over, he'd buy my ticket and all that but honestly im scared shitless... i cant deal with another heartbreak but its hard 2 breakaway when u have so much history with one person (2001-2008 is a loooooooooooooong time). I know the sane thing to do but im such a romantic which is actually pure madness to a normal person.

Ok, now you're probably saying, if i know all this then i obviously know what to do right?? Wrong...so wrong!! Im so gone when he comes to him, id rehearse what id say when he calls, but as soon as i hear his voice, i become temporarily dumb! I delete his number which is kind of a moot point since i know it off heart....i blame sex and the city...with Carrie and her Mr BIG!!! Things like that so do not happen in real life...so why cant i just practice what i preach...cos trust me, with my friends im kinda like the relationship counsellor( if only they knew).


Anyway all that is over now( I PROMISE!!), i so deserve a whole lot better than that and im determined not 2 settle for any less...Love is not supposed to hurt or be that difficult!!



On another note entirely....imagine how frustrating it is to be in this naija rainy season without a man....situation is getting very critical o...i coulda sworn i saw cobwebs some days ago...
.....Help needed!! Apply within...with complete CV and full references....experience very important!!

Must it have a title?????????

yeah i know its been a while...IM SORRY!!!! ...my exercise and cutting out of all...(ok stop lyin) some of the crap i eat has paid off!!!! IM BACK...and even better...lol!!...and TIN-TIN(boy) me thinks u have 2 recompute that ur foolish brideprice thingy...as in seriously!!..LOL...ok as y'all might have guessed im a lil excited..


Anyway...ive missed blogville...so many things have happened since i was last here...canbelieve blogville idols has started..and without me 2...how did that happen?? I CAN SING!!( well thats wat my mum says anyway...actually only her...she might be deceivin me come to think of it).


So NYSC is almost over...and boy am i excited...so tired of all the stress of CD( communnity development) days and all..even tho i guess im luckier than most who actually have 2 direct traffic or sweep streets in thah god-awful corper attire!! The only problem now is i have 2 decide what i wanna do next...do i stay here and continue with my job for a few more years..( which i love, the experience is out of this world, d pple are so cool but pay not so fantastic) or do i hawk myself off 2 a great paying job where i might not learn as much and work culture typical naija style( oga, madam crap) or do i just bail out of naija 2 do an MBA?? I guess i still have about a month left 2 figure all that out.



Anyway, i have a problem thst i dont know how 2 fix.... Generally im a fun,friendly, playful( almost 2 playful) person, but for some strange reason, every few months i get into some crappy moods and oh boy am i bitch when i am, i get mad @ everything and everyone and vent every chance i get, i cry for hours and dont know why..im still trying 2 understand why...(or does it happen 2 anyone else), cos during those periods i hurt the people closest 2 me, i shut them out and i cant help it...The latest victim was my mum and i feel so bad..i have apologized for being a total bitch but i know it doesnt mean much when i cant explain why or if it happens again.


Lastly...Has anyone been heartbroken?? How does it feel?? How did it affect your next relationship?? Could u go back to the one who broke your heart? Would it work, or would u find it hard 2 stop going on about how he/she broke your heart?

N:B Id be back soon to update...promise!!

IM NOT FAT....am i??

I so hate exercise!!!

ok maybe im exaggerating a lil bit but the idea of exercise really is not my friend. I could walk the length of Oxford street from Tottenham court road to Marble Arch for hours and then start on the journey to Piccadilly circus through Regent street without breaking a sweat!...but tell me to go to the gym or do some exercise and my body just goes numb, luckily for me all that walking helps my metabolism( or so iv been told anyway) and i never put on weight which was fine by me cos my eating habits....SUCK! im like the queen of junk food...i would eat a sausage and egg bagel from McDs for breakfast, twister from KFC with nuggets and milkshake from Mcds for lunch and only God knows wat for dinner...( i know shocking rite) and never put on weight....My best friend tells me she can see my future and its FAT...I rebuke that everymorning in Jesus name...AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Obviously moving to Naija kinda cured that habit or shud i say moved it 2 other avenues since now the dudes in TFC call me by name when i visit...and the chick @ the Chicken Republic on Adeola Odeku tells me to pay the following day if she doesnt have change. Unfortunately i dont get to walk as muuch or be as active as i would like to...so u can guess wat happened.
Yes my best friend didnt have to wait to long for the future...her prediction is coming true...and im not liking it one bit.

i knew my jeans were getting snug but hey it shows off my hips and curves so i didnt mind much until the Naija pple and their big, uncouth mouths started....." OMG you have put on weight this babe...as in u r fat o" ," wow see ur hips", " what have you been eating?" and it just goes on and on and on...

So i decided to do something about it...No i didnt join the gym...baby steps please.

Im gonna start running...early in the mornings.

Decided to start on monday 6am...and since im off work this week perfect.

Got up bright and early on monday and i realised something...i dont have workout clothes or shoes!! But there was nothing gonna stop me i was gonna run no matter what. After going through my shoes i found a pair of trainers, sure they r not made for running but they would def work. They are pink tho so i have to coordinate the whole outfit around them.. found white shorts and a pink tank top( now i look like an agbaya going to a childrens party...oh well cant have it all)...was about to leave till i realised...I TOOK OUT MY BRAIDS LAST NITE!! my hair is a complete mess, (and no i do not have any caps in my house im not a cap kinda girl)...my only saving grace is an oversize hoodie that belongs to my bro which is RED!...so now i look like an idiot but im determined....im going running today...1 hour...every one was so happy for me...cheering me on for doing something so healthy.

Running is so much fun...i can do this for ever....well till i almost passed out....how many minutes was i out running??...just 15!!!!!

It took me longer to get ready!!!!...

i guess thats a work out in itself....maybe i should incorporate that into my workout plan....

OMG i so need motivation...i need to lose weight!!

Naija, Old men and Aristos

Naija....uv just got to love it.

So basically i have been in naija for almost a year and i would not trade this for anything...Jokes everyday! Like watching chelsea fans parading along the streets of ikeja just before the champions league match.

So many things can happen only in naija. Its a trip most of the time but one thing i dont think i can ever get my head around is the Aristo thing...or for those who dunno( abeg brush up on naija lingo ah ah) its the trend of all these old men with young chicks.

Its so sad that its seen as acceptable...afterall a man is always gonna be a man right..and thats just what men do..( for my future husband if u r reading this..or ever get to...this is not only grounds 4 divorce..im gonna go Lorena Bobbitt on u..no jokes).

Not sure if it makes me naive or whatever, i really dont care..i just find the whole thing really irritating...why the hell would i wanna start kissing on a dude whos old enuff 2 b my daddy cos he has some money in the bank...abeg chilllllll. Im not trying to sound holier than thou or anything cos trust me im far from that but i think u have to draw the line somewhere sha. Fair play to people who can do that wit a clear conscience..I know i wont like the idea of my dad getting it on with my friend.


The worst part of it is cos im so against the whole thing i've never even learnt the best way to deal with it, without letting the guy know exactly what i think of him and his stupid money...

...How do u tell a client that u dont play like that when ur managers are telling you to keep him sweet( why the hell does Naija not have sexual harassment laws abeg ehn!!!)...Guys please explain..what makes a guy invites his friends daughter out clubbing???

In the course of my complaints to my friends and colleagues about all the daily crap...i heard some stories that honestly are unbelievable...

...Like being appraised by your boss and he's playing with himself

....Your boss literally chasing u around his office

....Going out of town for a meeting with a manager and he makes sure that only one room is booked for u both

God grant me patience cos i can see myself drop kicking some guy in the very near future...God help the fool who admonishes me for beating my elders!!!

Compromise or not!!!

Im back!!!! and boy have i missed blogging and peeping @ other peoples blog...i think im a secret voyeur!

i have learnt so many things during my downtime and had time to reflect.

Realised one or two things about myself i coulda sworn were so not me...eg...i so wanna get married soon...ok maybe its all the wedding IVs i have been getting lately or all the cute God children i seem 2 have acquired overnite!!
...So now i all I have 2 do is find a man....not that hard is it??...and while im at it, i think i might have to reconsider a my entire criteria cos based on the guys im meeting lately...i think it sucks!

Like the only Yoruba guys clause....Its still cool if his mum is yoruba rite??
Or the religion one...im a firm believer in the " dont be unequally yoked statement"...but what if thats the only thing "wrong" with him?? Him being of a wrong religion?
Cos the one who kinda fits the Yoruba and right religion, is cute, tall, dark, handsome, yummy(lol), is 2 much of a laidback guy...ok lazy if u must know...which is such a turn off!!

Ok maybe my criteria is a bit off...
i like tall, dark guys...(tyrese looking....cliche rite...LOL...even im laughing now)
hardworking...confident..know wat he wants type
Yoruba guy...ok thats years of mummy and naija movies indoctrination( which by the way is wearing off VERY quickly @ d moment...cos this ibo boy fine no be small, but does that mean i also have 2 learn IBO and how to cook nkwobi???)

Church going @ least....(thats not asking for 2 much rite...cos i know im not where i want 2 be yet with God but it'l be cool to have someone who understands)

Someone who listens ..( cos i have a LOT 2 say...and i can talk a lot 2)
At least have some kind of fashion sense...( dont worry im not expecting a David Beckham/Diddy type)

Doesnt take himself 2 seriously.....( cos i can be very playful......ok no can involved...I AM)

Wow..thats a whole lot of things to expect from someone rite....i think im in trouble....my mum says i need 2 compromise...which i know is true but i dunno wat parts i can do without!!
Ok maybe subconsciouly im really not ready 2 commit which is why i have all these funny criteria.....I just hope that subconscious gets itself together...and QUICK 2...cos OMG I needs some LOVING!!!!

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!

wow...i know i've been AWOL for a bit...too many things going on!! I have had a rollercoaster couple of weeks tho..had my birthday and it was definetly the most fun i have had in a while...so many presents and even weeks after im still getting them, I feel so loved!!....but then i had a health scare a few days later...i have been in and out of hospital and hooked up 2 all those machines i only ever saw in ER....thank God im ok now but i have 2 rest for a loooooooooooooooooong time...so no work( which is wonderful) and more time to fuel my addictions....blogging,facebook and junk food!!!

Anyway id be back soon wit a full update...till then xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx